It was just a matter of feelings
by LilyBartAndTheOthers
Summary: Her life turned around those four people, those four different relationships and it was just a matter of feelings.


It was just a matter of feelings; how she could storm out and forgive him at the scene. She didn't like when their arguments lasted because it was when she felt guilty. He didn't have to be mad at her though, she was just bored. And the words she could throw to his face were simply the pale symbol of her despair. She could have died for a getaway, any kind of change that would have pushed her out of her life and she would have tasted what happiness could be. She wasn't really mean, just extremely lonely. But she used to love him. Yes, she used to love Stanley, no matter how destructive it could have been.

It was all about friendship; how she needed to spend a lot of time with her and let her presence invade her soul bewitchingly. She would have never told her but she was fascinated by the way she used to live. It seemed so easy, so great. Of course she pretended the exact opposite but she hoped secretly that behind the critics, Grace would get to know what she really meant. Since the day she had started working, she had felt like she had reached another stage, closer to what she had been looking for until then. She couldn't put a name on it but it was a nice and warm sensation, something sweet. She tended to see it as the beginning of a new life; far from Stanley and the crisis; far from the manse and the coldness of the days that went so slowly when she was there and had nothing else to do. Perhaps it was her own definition of happiness, a strong and comforting feeling.

It was just a matter of disappointment; how she was angry but didn't say a word, just clenched her fists and looked up defiantly. How could he dare to do that to her after all the sacrifices she had accepted quietly? She had never known about his illegal business trips or all that money he had kept on hiding. She had never been told about anything and lord how she found herself stupid and humiliated when two federal agents irrupted into the office and told her that Stanley had been arrested. It hurt her but she couldn't have lived without him. After all marriage wasn't only about happy moments and simplicity. It was just time for her to deal with the dark side of it. She wouldn't be alone, they would always be there for her but still, it was her integrity that her husband had ruined.

It was all about sweetness and complicity; how they didn't really need to go silly but it was part of the game and she loved it. He wasn't a mere friend but a soul mate; the kind of person you happened to meet, one day, and all of a sudden you realized how everything seemed bright when you were together, bright and unique. Unforgettable. He brought her the tenderness of human touch and the gentle quietness of some precious moments. He made her laugh a lot and think she was needed for once; almost important for him, adored and spoiled. She couldn't get fed up with the way he looked at her or take her hand proudly. He had been the first one to hug her tightly; the first one to tell her how she was all to him and the first one to brush away her tears. She would always love Jack and their impossible relationship.

It was just a matter of logic; how she should have known that they would never overcome the past, as much as they would have liked to, and tried, over and over. Sometimes she thought it was her fault if they were breaking apart but seeing Lorraine in his arms drew a line under her doubts, her guilt. She had been cheated on and couldn't forgive it. How strange she had come to think while getting married to Stanley that she would be happy; that she would find at last the traditional family scheme she had lacked of desperately. It was just a signature at the bottom of a page; a simple name engraved on the sheet to proclaim it was the end. She had smiled bitterly as she had realized how fragile everything could be. It only depended on a couple of seconds, the required time to let her print on official papers and then throw away her ring and say good-bye to Stanley. Definitely.

It was all about teasing; how a weird friendship could get strength since the very beginning but for some reasons they preferred to ignore it. Something bothered her though when she was with Will. He looked too much like Stanley. Her fits turned into whims and pitiful childish scenes; their perpetual arguments made her feel guilty but she was addicted; she never tried to be mean but she was sure it was how she sounded. She hatefully loved it. But to be honest she had never been bored while being with him; never felt underneath or abused by his statements. She knew she could trust him and he would never make her live half of the things that her husband had been doing constantly. There wasn't humiliation but a sincere respect and in spite of their crisis they remained the same, always so close, implicitly. There was something about him but the bitter failure of her marriage made her keep some distance. She wasn't afraid of anything, no matter her behaviour could be because he would always be there for her and offer his shoulder when she felt too weak to swallow back her tears.

Her life used to turn around those four people; those four different relationships. The exhausting arguments with Stanley, the secret fascination for Grace, the tender moments with Jack and the implicit seriousness for Will. She had been learning how to deal with them and her own complexity; the way she could storm out or rush into their arms unexpectedly.

Or even, as she would lean over and kiss him, realize she was falling for Will.

It was just a matter of feelings.


End file.
